Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
