Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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