Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
