Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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