True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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