So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize