You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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