Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
