hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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