life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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