if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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