I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do vagina's smell?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
