i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
