Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
