She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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