Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
