I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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