I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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