The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
