tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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