Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
