On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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