Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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