ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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