its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
