you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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