Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
