...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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