I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
