so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
