He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
