please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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