No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
