never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
