I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
