i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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