I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
