i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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