oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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