I want to have your abortion
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
