when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize