If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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