So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
