I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
