I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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