Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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