I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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