he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize