i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
