you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish you could order shots online.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
