i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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