sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
