ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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