Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
