just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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