I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
