i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
