My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Someone shattered a urinal.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
