I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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